Today has been a rotten, rotten day for Miss Mia. Apparently I ate something I shouldn't have because she has been either sleeping or crying most of the day. It just breaks my heart because theres nothing I can do to help her- we've taken a bath together, done our leg exercises, gotten a tummy/back massage, bounced, rocked, swayed, sashayed. The one thing that does help is breastfeeding her. But although it calms her down, I feel like I'm feeding her the very same poison that's causing her to feel so awful.
No one said breastfeeding wouuld be easy! Days like today make me want to quit. I'm going to hold out as long as I possibly can! Tomorrow is another day! For now it's bread and broth for me!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Baby Mania
I got in trouble today. I forgot to take my medication and i was bouncing all over Martin's 'creating jobs.' Speaking far too quickly and not making alot of sense.
But it was a busy day!!
Megan and I went down to Once Upon a Child to sell some old baby clothes. (It seems silly to label them as 'old' when Mia herself is only 2 and 1/2 months.) They weren't accepting alot of them, mostly because their stock of newborn clothes is waaay too full. So many of them are destined for our garage sale in the spring. That is perfectly okay with me, especially since we will have many more things by that time. I'm hoping Tara will want to add to our sale. That way we'll have a multi family/multi gender baby sale.
After OUAC we headed to Babies 'R' Us for some light window shopping. Mia can't wait until Mommy gets her tax check back so she can buy some new beautiful summertime outfits. She's also just about due for a baby swing.
Mia was being extra adorable this afternoon while we shopped. She's started making Goo noises and smiling at the Momma ALL the time. I was singing every song I could think of to her-- her favorites are "Down by the Bay," "The Ants Go Marching," and Sublime's What I Got. Strange as it sounds, Mia's favorite CD to listen to in the car is Lady Gaga. Atta Girl.
My goals this weekend are as follows:
Sort and label clothes for impending garage sale
Put up Mia's name blocks Aunt Aubrie got her in her room
Also put up Mia's 1 month picture frames
Be beautiful, positive, and full of life
It may not seem like much- but those of you who have cared for a 10 week old know- just managing to eat and shower on a regular basis is a feat.
**********************************After Dinner********************************
Ugh. Good moods gone. I don't mind the mania while it lasts but man, do I feel awful now.
My head is pounding, I'm in a foul mood, and I'm one broken nail away from bursting into tears. This is my least favorite part.
Ugh, what am I going to do??? Eventually I will have to speak to Garry. Eventually I'll have to see him. I just want to pretend nothing's going on, that my heart isn't broken, that I'm not raging mad at him.
-I keep having nightmares again. Some of them are pretty simple- He's standing in front of me in a white room filled with the furniture from my parent's house. I start screaming at the top of my lungs, throwing things at him. I break vases, chairs, tear apart the couches- until my lungs are burning and my arms and hands are bleeding.
At least that dream is kind of satisfying, in a self indulgent, irrational kind of way.
The other dream is a little scarier. I wake up in my bed and rush to Mia's bassinet. She's blue and cold. Dead. I scream and wake up. Only I'm not awake... and the same thing happens again and again and again until morning.
Those are only on bad nights. I hope tonight isn't one of those nights.
Taxes are filed. I hope hope hope my return arrives before Friday.
I need a mood booster. Or something to distract me from this horrible sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm missing something (or someone) horribly. I don't think I want to know exactly what it is.
i HATE feeling like this.
I want to trade the happy crazy I was earlier today.
I need someone to shake me- tell me to stop being so melodramatic. I need to snap out of this.
Can you believe garry hasn't so much as texted me since I found him out??? Nevermind that I could use an explanation, an admission of guilt- SOMETHING!!! But he hasn't even inquired about his daughter. He doesn't deserve us.
******************Next morning***********************************
I'm feeling better. Much better. Still debating whether to actually post.
Today is Garry's birthday. Kind of. He was born February 29th. The idea of him out, enjoying his birthday- going out to the bars with her- All of our friends celebrating with the two of them... it makes me nauseas
But it was a busy day!!
Megan and I went down to Once Upon a Child to sell some old baby clothes. (It seems silly to label them as 'old' when Mia herself is only 2 and 1/2 months.) They weren't accepting alot of them, mostly because their stock of newborn clothes is waaay too full. So many of them are destined for our garage sale in the spring. That is perfectly okay with me, especially since we will have many more things by that time. I'm hoping Tara will want to add to our sale. That way we'll have a multi family/multi gender baby sale.
After OUAC we headed to Babies 'R' Us for some light window shopping. Mia can't wait until Mommy gets her tax check back so she can buy some new beautiful summertime outfits. She's also just about due for a baby swing.
Mia was being extra adorable this afternoon while we shopped. She's started making Goo noises and smiling at the Momma ALL the time. I was singing every song I could think of to her-- her favorites are "Down by the Bay," "The Ants Go Marching," and Sublime's What I Got. Strange as it sounds, Mia's favorite CD to listen to in the car is Lady Gaga. Atta Girl.
My goals this weekend are as follows:
Sort and label clothes for impending garage sale
Put up Mia's name blocks Aunt Aubrie got her in her room
Also put up Mia's 1 month picture frames
Be beautiful, positive, and full of life
It may not seem like much- but those of you who have cared for a 10 week old know- just managing to eat and shower on a regular basis is a feat.
**********************************After Dinner********************************
Ugh. Good moods gone. I don't mind the mania while it lasts but man, do I feel awful now.
My head is pounding, I'm in a foul mood, and I'm one broken nail away from bursting into tears. This is my least favorite part.
Ugh, what am I going to do??? Eventually I will have to speak to Garry. Eventually I'll have to see him. I just want to pretend nothing's going on, that my heart isn't broken, that I'm not raging mad at him.
-I keep having nightmares again. Some of them are pretty simple- He's standing in front of me in a white room filled with the furniture from my parent's house. I start screaming at the top of my lungs, throwing things at him. I break vases, chairs, tear apart the couches- until my lungs are burning and my arms and hands are bleeding.
At least that dream is kind of satisfying, in a self indulgent, irrational kind of way.
The other dream is a little scarier. I wake up in my bed and rush to Mia's bassinet. She's blue and cold. Dead. I scream and wake up. Only I'm not awake... and the same thing happens again and again and again until morning.
Those are only on bad nights. I hope tonight isn't one of those nights.
Taxes are filed. I hope hope hope my return arrives before Friday.
I need a mood booster. Or something to distract me from this horrible sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm missing something (or someone) horribly. I don't think I want to know exactly what it is.
i HATE feeling like this.
I want to trade the happy crazy I was earlier today.
I need someone to shake me- tell me to stop being so melodramatic. I need to snap out of this.
Can you believe garry hasn't so much as texted me since I found him out??? Nevermind that I could use an explanation, an admission of guilt- SOMETHING!!! But he hasn't even inquired about his daughter. He doesn't deserve us.
******************Next morning***********************************
I'm feeling better. Much better. Still debating whether to actually post.
Today is Garry's birthday. Kind of. He was born February 29th. The idea of him out, enjoying his birthday- going out to the bars with her- All of our friends celebrating with the two of them... it makes me nauseas
Friday, February 26, 2010
Spit (up) happens
All hail the vomit queen! LOL! Mia definitely takes the cake with that one. It's a very good thing her mom has a strong stomach! But so far today, she's doing well, aside from a little gassiness (probably caused by the pizza I had yesterday! Bad Mommy!) Yesterday was loads of fun getting our hair done. We went to Megan's girl Jackie in Goshen and she did a remarkable job. I'll post pictures soon.
I can't wait for this silly snow to clear off!!! I want to take my lovely to the zoo and for walks in the park and (of course) camping!!! She wants to learn how to ride.
I got some sad news from Chad and Tammy today. Thoughts and prayers are with them.
I'm traveling to Kalamazoo in one week to see my psychiatrist. Dr. Smith has been tremendously helpful, especially in the last couple of months. I'm looking forward to getting on with this life of mine and she's helping me do it. During my pregnancy, she tentatively diagnosed me with Borderline personality disorder. I've been doing lots and lots of research into the disorder and while I feel that I meet many of the criteria- I want to disagree with her.
With 75% of people diagnosed being female there's alot of doubters who attribute the intense emotional responses of those afflicted to the "typical, weak, moody woman" of past stigmas.
However, the last time I was in, Dr. Smith, the med student she was working with, and her attending agreed that I have alot to be emotional about these days.
On that note- still nothing from Garry. It appears that he's decided that it would be easier to just pretend Mia and I don't exist- rather than own up to the fact that he's a complete waste of space and a sorry excuse for a person. ( I mean , really! Who cheats on their pregnant girlfriend (fiance)??? )
Oh well. The child support paperwork is submitted and that's all I want from him.
I'm looking into signing up for CNA and Home Health Aid courses this summer- and then finishing my degree in Sociology starting in the fall.
But for now, Mia's awake! So we're headed home! Love!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Baby snail mouth
The little snail mouth is fast asleep. It's nearly time to go be a dairy cow and get ready for Megan and I's hair appointment this afternoon. It'll feel nice to be blonde again. I need to feel pretty these days. I mean... even on a bad day O.S. aint got anything on me, but next time I'm in the zoo, I have a shopping date- which will invariably mean the mall, which will put me in seeing range of Mr. worthless. I'd like to be droolworthy, thank you very much.
Look, but don't touch. That ship has sailed. Plus I will be having a lunch date with the handsome and always charming Nickolas. Not boyfriend material, mind you, but always good for flattery and laughter.
I'll try to post pictures. Just prepare yourself. I'll be unbearably beautiful.
Look, but don't touch. That ship has sailed. Plus I will be having a lunch date with the handsome and always charming Nickolas. Not boyfriend material, mind you, but always good for flattery and laughter.
I'll try to post pictures. Just prepare yourself. I'll be unbearably beautiful.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Jumperoo!
Today is Mia's first time sitting in her jumperoo. She has the saucer-type bounce bounce that spins 360 degrees. She had an absolute blast! It's incredible how quickly she's growing up. Right now she's sitting in her bouncer Aunt Leann and Grandma Wagley got for her, talking to the ladybug hanging down. Tenor is sniffing her feet. We're just getting over a little bout of colic... brought on by Mommy's neglectful eating habits. Chili is not a good idea. (But then again, neither is milk, coffee, chocolate, sugar, broccoli, spinach, hummus, babaganoush, sausage, or anything else delicious. : ) )
Despite the disappointments I've faced in the past... well... in my life...
especially the goings on with Garry, I couldn't be more pleased with my lot in life. Going into this whole baby thing, I was excited to start my life with the man I loved, excited to have babies with him, become a family and experience all that it entails. When I found out about... we'll just call her O.S. (Olga's skank) for short, I was devastated. I felt (and continue to feel) so betrayed, humiliated, and furious. I thought that Garry and her had ruined my happily ever after. But every day I get to spend with this angel makes me feel bad for him. I get to wake up with her every morning. When she cries, it's me she wants. She went from 7 lbs 1.4 ounces at birth to her happy and healthy 10.5 lb self today. As my mother told me, as a breastfeeding mommy- that was all me. Her thriving and growing physically and emotionally is me. I'm her everything. And even if I'm not that for Garry, he's the one missing out. I'm a catch. And Mia... she's a miracle. When I love someone, as I loved him, I give them my all. It's how I was raised, the life I was exposed to. When you love someone, it's unconditional. He didn't get that. He got a father buying him things in between drug binges. He got that same father leaving for good when he was 7. He got year after year of his mother jumping from man to man- using them until she finally left them. He knows nothing of the awesome strength a true commitment can offer.
And I pity him.
Even though we're not together, and Mia doesn't have her father in her life, I'm going to find someone who can give me that 'forever' type of love that I deserve.
And he'll end up alone.
And this precious little cupcake gives me her smiles everyday, plays with me, sleeps beside me, LOVES me.
I'm so lucky.
Despite the disappointments I've faced in the past... well... in my life...
especially the goings on with Garry, I couldn't be more pleased with my lot in life. Going into this whole baby thing, I was excited to start my life with the man I loved, excited to have babies with him, become a family and experience all that it entails. When I found out about... we'll just call her O.S. (Olga's skank) for short, I was devastated. I felt (and continue to feel) so betrayed, humiliated, and furious. I thought that Garry and her had ruined my happily ever after. But every day I get to spend with this angel makes me feel bad for him. I get to wake up with her every morning. When she cries, it's me she wants. She went from 7 lbs 1.4 ounces at birth to her happy and healthy 10.5 lb self today. As my mother told me, as a breastfeeding mommy- that was all me. Her thriving and growing physically and emotionally is me. I'm her everything. And even if I'm not that for Garry, he's the one missing out. I'm a catch. And Mia... she's a miracle. When I love someone, as I loved him, I give them my all. It's how I was raised, the life I was exposed to. When you love someone, it's unconditional. He didn't get that. He got a father buying him things in between drug binges. He got that same father leaving for good when he was 7. He got year after year of his mother jumping from man to man- using them until she finally left them. He knows nothing of the awesome strength a true commitment can offer.
And I pity him.
Even though we're not together, and Mia doesn't have her father in her life, I'm going to find someone who can give me that 'forever' type of love that I deserve.
And he'll end up alone.
And this precious little cupcake gives me her smiles everyday, plays with me, sleeps beside me, LOVES me.
I'm so lucky.
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