Baby Mania

I got in trouble today. I forgot to take my medication and i was bouncing all over Martin's 'creating jobs.' Speaking far too quickly and not making alot of sense.

But it was a busy day!!

Megan and I went down to Once Upon a Child to sell some old baby clothes. (It seems silly to label them as 'old' when Mia herself is only 2 and 1/2 months.) They weren't accepting alot of them, mostly because their stock of newborn clothes is waaay too full. So many of them are destined for our garage sale in the spring. That is perfectly okay with me, especially since we will have many more things by that time. I'm hoping Tara will want to add to our sale. That way we'll have a multi family/multi gender baby sale.

After OUAC we headed to Babies 'R' Us for some light window shopping. Mia can't wait until Mommy gets her tax check back so she can buy some new beautiful summertime outfits. She's also just about due for a baby swing.

Mia was being extra adorable this afternoon while we shopped. She's started making Goo noises and smiling at the Momma ALL the time. I was singing every song I could think of to her-- her favorites are "Down by the Bay," "The Ants Go Marching," and Sublime's What I Got. Strange as it sounds, Mia's favorite CD to listen to in the car is Lady Gaga. Atta Girl.

My goals this weekend are as follows:

Sort and label clothes for impending garage sale

Put up Mia's name blocks Aunt Aubrie got her in her room

Also put up Mia's 1 month picture frames

Be beautiful, positive, and full of life

It may not seem like much- but those of you who have cared for a 10 week old know- just managing to eat and shower on a regular basis is a feat.

**********************************After Dinner********************************

Ugh. Good moods gone. I don't mind the mania while it lasts but man, do I feel awful now.

My head is pounding, I'm in a foul mood, and I'm one broken nail away from bursting into tears. This is my least favorite part.

Ugh, what am I going to do??? Eventually I will have to speak to Garry. Eventually I'll have to see him. I just want to pretend nothing's going on, that my heart isn't broken, that I'm not raging mad at him.

-I keep having nightmares again. Some of them are pretty simple- He's standing in front of me in a white room filled with the furniture from my parent's house. I start screaming at the top of my lungs, throwing things at him. I break vases, chairs, tear apart the couches- until my lungs are burning and my arms and hands are bleeding.

At least that dream is kind of satisfying, in a self indulgent, irrational kind of way.

The other dream is a little scarier. I wake up in my bed and rush to Mia's bassinet. She's blue and cold. Dead. I scream and wake up. Only I'm not awake... and the same thing happens again and again and again until morning.

Those are only on bad nights. I hope tonight isn't one of those nights.

Taxes are filed. I hope hope hope my return arrives before Friday.

I need a mood booster. Or something to distract me from this horrible sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm missing something (or someone) horribly. I don't think I want to know exactly what it is.

i HATE feeling like this.

I want to trade the happy crazy I was earlier today.

I need someone to shake me- tell me to stop being so melodramatic. I need to snap out of this.

Can you believe garry hasn't so much as texted me since I found him out??? Nevermind that I could use an explanation, an admission of guilt- SOMETHING!!! But he hasn't even inquired about his daughter. He doesn't deserve us.

******************Next morning***********************************
I'm feeling better. Much better. Still debating whether to actually post.

Today is Garry's birthday. Kind of. He was born February 29th. The idea of him out, enjoying his birthday- going out to the bars with her- All of our friends celebrating with the two of them... it makes me nauseas