Patience, patience

Every day she gets more and more grown up. Every day she gets more independent. A part of me wants her to stay small. I don't ever want to lose that passionate need for Mommy. Still, it's the inevitable.

I suppose when the time comes that she is more interested in the world around her than me I'll be relieved. In her three months of life, I have spent precisely four hours not with her.

Now that she's napping seperately- (Thanks to her crib and her newly purchased swing! Rainforests are so soothing!) I have a little more time on my hands. Time to start thinking about the next step. Still nothing from Garry. I've called the child support office dozens of times- they're waiting for confirmation from him before they can schedule the hearing. I'm doing okay for now... but what happens when that money runs out? Being a single mom to a 3 month old is a full time job. I wanted to enroll in classes, but if he doesn't come through on this I might have to start working. The struggle for me still is.. do I go for a degree in Sociology- what I love. I'd work long hours, doing something mentally and emotionally taxing, for little pay. Or do I go down the shorter path- get my pharmacy tech degree. Make more money. I'd be good at the job... but it's not my passion.


Life is full of tough choices.

I want the summer again.

I want the heat, the sun, the grass, the flowers.

My project will be to maintain the vegetable garden... and to plant a flower garden. I want happy flowers. None of those melancholy roses and weeping hyacinth. I want daisies, tulips, daffodils. I want flowers that are every color, bright, energetic, and excited for the day!

I want to be able to take my little love on walks with our dog.

I want to spend time with her brushing and touching and petting the horses.

I want to help her explore this world of her's.


On a seperate subject- thanks to the excellent listening ear of my sister, I was able to sneak out for a quick ride this morning. It was wonderful, albeit a little nippy. It was like coming home. Gambler stood quietly for me as I quickly brushed and saddled him. He followed me calmly into the barn lot, waiting patiently while I readjusted the stirrups. Apparently a midget rode in my saddle last- for the stirrups were on the topmost notch and I generally keep them on the fourth down. We did a few bending exercises on the ground before I awkwardly climbed on. He must be taller than I remember, because it sure was a long way up there! I'm hoping my agility will come back to me the more I continue riding. We warmed up slowly, I had him in a plain snaffle and I wanted to see how responsive he was going to be to such a mild bit. To my surprise, after a little coaxing with my spurs, he brought himself forward into my hands and settled in, head low, neck relaxed, breaking at the poll as he ought to. We loosened up a bit... I can tell he's out of practice in moving off his four corners. His yield to the right was impeccable, better than I would have expected, and I could push his left hip to the inside quite nicely. As usual, he was stiff in his left shoulder and kept dropping his hip out of the arc to the inside. Nothing a little work won't fix! Next we jogged endlessly. I was pleasantly surprised to find him already jogging slowly and quietly, particularly given the brisk wind that had picked up. Head still tucked, we worked on our circles, gradual widening and narrowing, reverse bend and leg yield into the opposite direction, and switch. He, again, is stiff to the left, but improved as our ride went on. We loped for a short while, but I didn't want to push my luck- the ground was wet and slick and the last thing I needed was a lame horse coming into riding season. After a few quick rollbacks and spur stops we called it a day.

I'm dearly hoping him and I can get back into a little showing this summer. I've missed it terribly.

Good day. Hopefully an even better tomorrow!