Spring

I can't believe how beautiful it's been the past few days. Today it was... almost too hot! In the morning my sister and I were supposed to be going to the store for Easter supplies and dog food... somehow we got sidetracked on a Gloria Jean's trip into the mall... even though Megan didn't end up getting any. An hour later Megan remembers she has to go to Goshen for a playdate. Whoops! So tomorrow we're headed out again. I'm excited to get Mia's first Easter basket. I know she's far too young for chocolate... but perhaps mom should have some?

No! No no no!

I've put myself on a diet. I demand that each and every person around me (this means you!) helps me be accountable for what goes into my stomach. I decided this after going on a shopping trip with our friend Devin. After watching her try on many, many dresses (looking GORGEOUS, BTW) I came to the conclusion that I need to make an effort.

Which is very, very difficult in a house of fried/sweet food junkies. There is not a day that goes by without a dessert planned. The freezer always has ice cream. cookies in the pantry.

So far I've been very, very good!

Apple and 2 tbsp of peanut butter for breakfast. 10 carrots and 2 tbsp of hummus for lunch with a handful of grapes and a wedge of 60 cal laughing cow cheese <3 and for dinner a sensible salad, no dressing- with chicken, boiled egg, a sprinkle of cheese, 4 croutons, half an avocado, half an orange pepper, and several slices of cucumber.

My goal is 20 lbs by the end of April. Doable? I hope so.

This afternoon while Mia was napping I sat outside in the sun to read. It was incredible. The sun felt so good on my face. I had missed my old friend sunshine!

After Sophie got out of school we headed down to the subdivision we used to live in to go for a walk. I took Lyric this time for Sophie to walk. The novelty of that lasted all of 5 minutes. Then she begged to go back to play at the park. Soo... Lyric, Mia, and I continued on alone. Walked for a little over an hour. I couldn't believe how many people just let their dogs run loose! I mean... our dogs are never leashed or fenced, but we live in the country. Here they are, in a neighborhood with people walking, kids biking, etc... and I come along three dogs who were wandering yard to yard, lifting their legs on peoples flowers- until they spot Lyric. Lyric, mind you, is offleash, heeling right by my side, forcing herself not to look at these other dogs. This lab mix runs right up to her, hackles raised, and sticks his nose right up her butt. Now... Lyric is a dog that is emphatic that other dogs behave politely when in her company. She doesn't take kindly to rude dogs. I have a baby in a stroller and am in no position to grab this dog by the collar and walk him back to his home. So, owner nowhere in sight, we press on. After several blocks of this dog tailing us, I finally leave Lyric in a down stay by the stroller, turn toward the dog, yell "OUT!", and take a few steps toward him. He hightails it back where he came from in a hurry!

Ugh. So frustrating. Poor Lyric was all stressed for the rest of our trip because I had yelled. (She hates it when I'm upset, even if it's not with her.)

I had an amazing time. I got a fun exercise rush that chased some sad thoughts from my head. You know, I can hardly even picture his face anymore? Yesterday I deleted the picture from my computer that Corinne took of us at Thanksgiving. One more step to sanity, thank you!

Now Mia is in bed, although she did not go quietly. I thought I might have a little Mommy time before I turned in, but I think this blog is going to be in. She tired me out just putting her down. She can be furious when it comes to enforcing bedtime. Makes me dread the pre-teen years.

My back's sore, I'm definitely hungry, but I think I'll do a couple hundred sit ups, stretch, and make my way to bed.

Live on luck and skill
Ask for no mercy, no miracles
and remember
love fails
and death is useless.

Procrastination for the sake of thought

I was supposed to call my psychiatrist yesterday. I sort of forgot. Well... delayed calling her until I could justify that the office was closed. Now today I'm delaying the call because I don't want to bother her. After all, if I was supposed to call yesterday and update her, she was expecting my call then. To call her now would cause her terrible inconvenience. Right?

Anyway, Mia's on strictly formula and I'm ok to start the Trazodone. I need it. I've been having more and more nightmares. About Garry. About going to see Garry. Running into him by chance. All sorts of awfulness. It's making me a little nuts, you see... right now he's denying ever cheating on me... or her. He called me crazy. Told me I was creating our relationship in my head, that we haven't been together for months and months. Told me that he liked the way our visitation was going, and that I was the one that screwed it up. Finished it off by telling me to give Mia kisses and tell her that her Daddy loved her, and that it wasn't his fault her momma was a crazy... well... I won't repeat it.

How on earth am I supposed to get closure when I'm getting that stuff thrown at me. Not to mention the fact that no one on his side of this is acknowledging that anything untoward happened. I'm feeling so completely invalidated. And the fact that he's accusing me of screwing things up. Honestly! I've told him, our door is open. He can come see Mia whenever he wants.

On another note, I've made a decision in the direction of progress. Originally... I was going to send back the jewelry he had given to me (latest being the 200.00 green amethyst necklace he gave me in November to 'match the color of my eyes') complete with ripped up, burnt pieces of pictures of the two of us with a note telling him to give them to her, sell them, throw them out, but I don't want to look at them anymore. Elaborately planned to hurt his feelings. I've now come to the conclusion that all of that is a waste of stamps and my time. I don't care about his feelings.

So I've decided to sell them. And from the earnings, I think I deserve a new piece of me jewelry. Likely a Betsy Johnson piece. Something with bows and bunnies and leopard print skulls. Betsy Johnson is the only designer that can give me all of that in one piece.

One step in the right direction.

Called the office of child support yesterday. They told me I'd have to be patient. That my case may take three months to be sent to Garry. They were unable to tell me whether or not I'd be receiving back child support. Soo frustrating. There is far too much red tape.

Life goes on. I have a date for drinks with someone I went to highschool with on Saturday. She's kind of in the same situation as me.. her daughter is turning 1 in April. Mia is excited for the birthday party. I'm excited to connect with someone who knows what I am going through. Yaay cocktails!

Interesting, interesting

Not such a good day today. Woke up to a nasty message. I'm soo over it. Not responding, not opening any further correspondence. Finite.

Then I had a run in with a porky pig!

Jerk.

So Megan and I went to get grain and then to Wal Mart to pick up my WIC supplies. Since switching to formula, I now receive a little big less in general groceries- but I get 21 cans of Mia's formula concentrate. 21!!! That's wonderful considering my bill if I had paid for it would have been 132.00 Nuts.

So I'm almost able to switch my medications. Sooner the better! I'm certain my family is tired of dealing with my erratic behavior.

Although when I'm being manic I do get alot done.

Like yesterday when whatsherface messaged me.

I did my parent's laundry, put it away, started my laundry, cleaned the laundry room, fed the horses, pet the kitty, came inside, did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, picked up all the babies clothes, came upstairs, cleaned my room, took out the trash, rearranged Mia's clothes in her closet according to weight of fabric, size, type of garment (i.e. sleeper, romper, dress, seperates, etc.) and finally by color! Everything is neat and organized and put in its place.

And I still couldn't fall asleep!!!

It's a good thing Mia is starting to sleep in her crib now. At least I can bounce around the house when I'm restless, I'm not needed to lay next to her while she sleeps. Even the turning pages of my book wake her up.

Her Auntie and I walked down to the end of the lane to pick Sophia up from the bus. We took the girls in their strollers and afterwards took a long walk around our property and the Kimbrell's. We went out to visit the horsies, Mia even pet Gambler!! And then Megan and I took turns bouncing on the trampoline with Sophie. Mia is completely tuckered out now. She was overtired and fussy. Her swing didn't make her happy, her mommy couldn't make her happy, so I took her up to her crib, laid her down and left the room. I stood outside the door, having my heartbreak listening to her cry- but within a minute or two she was silent. I peeked in and she was completely passed out, her lovey clutched to her cheek.

Sweetheart. <3

Free for all for dinner tonight. I wonder, I wonder what I shall make.

Can someone PLEASE send some good karma my way. I've been having a hailstorm of bad bad bad the past.... well.... the past five years. HA!

I can't believe it

She messaged me back. She's completely delusional. He's worthless, but we knew that.

Then again, he had me fooled, too.

It should be interesting to see how things play out for her.

Stupid, stupid girl.

Patience, patience

Every day she gets more and more grown up. Every day she gets more independent. A part of me wants her to stay small. I don't ever want to lose that passionate need for Mommy. Still, it's the inevitable.

I suppose when the time comes that she is more interested in the world around her than me I'll be relieved. In her three months of life, I have spent precisely four hours not with her.

Now that she's napping seperately- (Thanks to her crib and her newly purchased swing! Rainforests are so soothing!) I have a little more time on my hands. Time to start thinking about the next step. Still nothing from Garry. I've called the child support office dozens of times- they're waiting for confirmation from him before they can schedule the hearing. I'm doing okay for now... but what happens when that money runs out? Being a single mom to a 3 month old is a full time job. I wanted to enroll in classes, but if he doesn't come through on this I might have to start working. The struggle for me still is.. do I go for a degree in Sociology- what I love. I'd work long hours, doing something mentally and emotionally taxing, for little pay. Or do I go down the shorter path- get my pharmacy tech degree. Make more money. I'd be good at the job... but it's not my passion.


Life is full of tough choices.

I want the summer again.

I want the heat, the sun, the grass, the flowers.

My project will be to maintain the vegetable garden... and to plant a flower garden. I want happy flowers. None of those melancholy roses and weeping hyacinth. I want daisies, tulips, daffodils. I want flowers that are every color, bright, energetic, and excited for the day!

I want to be able to take my little love on walks with our dog.

I want to spend time with her brushing and touching and petting the horses.

I want to help her explore this world of her's.


On a seperate subject- thanks to the excellent listening ear of my sister, I was able to sneak out for a quick ride this morning. It was wonderful, albeit a little nippy. It was like coming home. Gambler stood quietly for me as I quickly brushed and saddled him. He followed me calmly into the barn lot, waiting patiently while I readjusted the stirrups. Apparently a midget rode in my saddle last- for the stirrups were on the topmost notch and I generally keep them on the fourth down. We did a few bending exercises on the ground before I awkwardly climbed on. He must be taller than I remember, because it sure was a long way up there! I'm hoping my agility will come back to me the more I continue riding. We warmed up slowly, I had him in a plain snaffle and I wanted to see how responsive he was going to be to such a mild bit. To my surprise, after a little coaxing with my spurs, he brought himself forward into my hands and settled in, head low, neck relaxed, breaking at the poll as he ought to. We loosened up a bit... I can tell he's out of practice in moving off his four corners. His yield to the right was impeccable, better than I would have expected, and I could push his left hip to the inside quite nicely. As usual, he was stiff in his left shoulder and kept dropping his hip out of the arc to the inside. Nothing a little work won't fix! Next we jogged endlessly. I was pleasantly surprised to find him already jogging slowly and quietly, particularly given the brisk wind that had picked up. Head still tucked, we worked on our circles, gradual widening and narrowing, reverse bend and leg yield into the opposite direction, and switch. He, again, is stiff to the left, but improved as our ride went on. We loped for a short while, but I didn't want to push my luck- the ground was wet and slick and the last thing I needed was a lame horse coming into riding season. After a few quick rollbacks and spur stops we called it a day.

I'm dearly hoping him and I can get back into a little showing this summer. I've missed it terribly.

Good day. Hopefully an even better tomorrow!

Awful dream.

Awful, awful dream last night.

I was going on a business trip and I booked the cottage suite at this swanky hotel in the small town I traveled to. Everything on the exterior was very nice, but the hotel staff was a family of dirty, hunched people who were missing teeth and insisted on waiting on me personally- in my room. Once I got into the room, it was like a scene from an old horror movie. The tiles on the walls were cracked. Every thing was rusty and the decor was circa 1962.

Mia was with me and so was someone else who looked just like me, though at first only I could see her. It was her that warned me to be careful around those people.

The daughter stayed with me in my rooms as I started to unwind. Me, me, and Mia sat on the couch and she turned on the television for us. She insisted we watch a movie that was her family's favorite. We watched it for a short while, and then it started showing gruesome images of people being butchered along side cattle. Then the scene flashed to people jumping off a tall building and slowly following their descent to the ground- focusing on the carnage of the impact. I asked her to change it and she said no, it was just getting to the good part. Then a man with an ax ran into a large train station and started mauling people. I got up and took the remote from her and said Ma'am, I do NOT like scary movies. I want to watch something else.

She didn't say anything, but when I went out of the room to change Mia's diaper, she changed the channel back and hid the remote.

I got angry and asked her to give us privacy. She protested but I insisted. She said she would wait in the adjoining suite in case anything unexpected happened. I asked her what she meant and she wouldn't answer me. She told me that I really should watch the end of the movie, that I'd like it if I did. I yelled at her, "I don't want to watch that movie! I don't like the violence! It's upsetting my baby!" I told her to leave and I asked how to lock the doors to the adjoining suite. She seemed reluctant, but she started toward the door. I said, "Ma'm would you mind answering a question for me before you go? Why do you want me to watch that awful movie?" She said, "If you'd just watch it, you'd like it! It's educational!"

Things got strange from there. She was finally able to see my other me and cried out in surprise. Then, me and other me kind of became one person- back to back and other me faced her while I held Mia. All of a sudden the picture I was facing was spattered with blood. I turned around, severing myself from other me in time to see the hotel ownners daughter fall to the ground, an ax in the side of her head. Other me said we've got to get out of here, you shouldn't have done that. I didn't! She took Mia from me and started walking down the hall. Nearly to the elevator, the hotel owner's son popped his head out of a room. "Where are you going?," he asked. "Didn't you finish the movie?" Other me spoke before I could, "We're going out for drinks before we go to bed." " He seemed hesitant and said, "Where'sy sister...? Nevermind, I'll take you down myself." He stepped into the elevator with us.

As the floors clicked by, other me kept trying to get my attention. She gestured to the wall, which held a fire extinguisher. Once we were almost to the lobby, he stopped the elevator. "Would you like to go to the first floor or the regular floor?" Then me and other me fused again with me in front. I smashed the glass case the fire extinguisher was held in, pulled it out, and started hitting him with it. I kept bludgeoning him until other me finally yelled at me to stop.

After we had the elevator resume and take us to the lobby we quickly ran toward the exit. From behind the front desk the hotel owner came shouting out at us. "Come back! You have to finish it!"

We fled to the parking lot and climbed into the closest car. We tried driving as quickly as we could, but the snow was terrible and the roads were trecherous. "We need to go to the police station and tell them what they did!" I told other me. She/I replied, "But you killed two people and all they did was show you a movie."

I was shocked. We had to stop them!

On the way to the police station there was a group of police cars, lights flashing, parked next to a huge horse trailer.

An officer was inside, loading horse after horse. I need to speak with you! I said.

One moment, I'm busy.

We waited while he loaded another 7 horses.

Then other me noticed another officer near the truck. We walked up to him... and standing next to him was the hotel owner.

"This is who I told you about! This is them!

The officer handed her his gun and she shot me, other me, and Mia.

Scary, awful, awful dream.

My nightmares would make horror novel best sellers.

Kalamazoo and poop.

This past Wednesday I had my psychiatrist appointment up in Kalamazoo. While I was up there, I bought a swing from a lady off of Craigslist. It's identical to the one Sammy has for Vera and Mia LOVES it!!!

After picking up the swing, we went to go visit Katie at work at the shell station in Matawan. It was very, very nice to see her smiling face, though extremely awkward when her coworker asked if Mia was Garry's baby.

Clearly not.

She's MY baby.

My appointment went well. Definitely alot more productive than last month. Rubberbands and ice cubes. She has decided to change my medication to something called Trazodone? Once I'm done breastfeeding, that is.

Speaking of, Megan and I experimentally started small amounts of soy formula last week. She shows no preference to either that or breastmilk. She could care less what bottle it's in, whether or not it's warmed... It's so strange that breastfeeding, which is of course the natural choice, causes her so much dietary distress... and after introducing cereal and the soy formula she's less gassy, less fussy, virtually NO spit up. So I'm starting to slowly switch up the ratio of breasfeedings and bottle feedings. So far so good! I'm sad to be missing the closeness that breastfeeding gives us... but I think that it's better for her health and mine if we switch over.

After my appointment, I got to go visit the EVER wonderful Sammy D and Ms. Vera! Vera is sooo big. She's sitting up on her own now, feeding herself finger foods, eating big girl foods! And boy can she roll! The next step is crawling and she was almost there Wednesday! I'm so excited for Mia to get to that stage. Sammy and I went out to Olive Garden with the girls. Mia slept soundly and Vera sat up in a high chair and munched on oranges. It was so cute! She kept putting everything but the rind in her mouth- she looked like a little orange face. I'm telling you, that girl is going to break some hearts.

While hanging out at Sammy's later, Megan O... and Beth stopped by. Beth and I haven't spoken since I found out I was having Mia. I was really beligerent with her when she tried to warn me about Garry. I said some really awful things and basically severed our relationship. I feel... indescribably awful. She was with me through the toughest times of my life and knows me better than I know myself. And still I refused to acknowledge that she might be on to something when it came to that... him. It was really, really awkward. She greeted me, but I could tell she wasn't really happy to see me. A few days earlier, I had penned a letter of apology to her. Telling her how much I thought about her all the time and how I missed her. I tried to explain how I was feeling when I started getting too involved with Garry... how I just got out of control. I told her Mia was incredible and that even all this heartache has been worth it to have her in my life...

Yesterday she texted me and told me that she couldn't respond yet, but she respected the fact that I was willing to apologize... and that once she sorted her thoughts out she would contact me.

I don't think there's any way I could make it up to her... but all I can do is hope. I need to surround myself with people who truly love me- and she's one that I've always been able to count on for that.

After leaving Sammy's I went to visit with Justine. I missed her face so much. Her new apartment is lovely. She is lovely. I am so angry with myself for abandoning her the way I did. Things would be alot different if I had just listened to those girls in the first place and stayed far, far away from Garry.

Kidi Bunny is HUUUUGE! I loved looking at her collages on the walls. It makes me sad how much I missed. How much I'm going to miss.

My birthday's coming up. It's hard to believe one year ago I turned 21. I have aged a decade. Last year I went out for the requisite face time with my friends and then ran home to Garry. I went to South Beach with Justine- and called Garry three times a day because I missed him.

And this year I'll be at home with Mia and my family. Not a bad way to celebrate, don't get me wrong. But a part of me is so furious that Garry's birthday was just a few weeks ago and he was out on the town with her. He got to go see all of his friends, go out to the bars, enjoy himself. He is more free than before I was pregnant. And it just seems... so unfair that I allowed him to take away my 21st birthday. And now he's taken away my 22nd.

But life's not fair. I need to stop being petty and acknowledge that Mommyhood is more important that birthdays. It also yields greater rewards.

Since I've been hitting you with heavy, heavy, heavy stuff- it's time for a touch of comedy.

No one warned me.

No one mentioned what would happen.

To Mia's poop.

When.
I.
Switched.
to.
Formula.

I went to pick her up from her nap this morning and change her diaper and it had escaped! No, EXPLODED from her diaper! And it was not the mild, liquid-ey poop of diapers past. It was like... real poop! And it was EVERYWHERE!!!

As I'm on my 6th wipe to clean up, the unthinkable happens. Just when you think there was no more poop to be had- here it comes right from the source! What was to happen next would shock and awe you.

I patiently waited for the pooping to subside, wipe at the ready- just then she tooted!

I had been warned about projectile vomiting- but not about projectile pooping! That sucker flew 4 inches!

Only one word for it.

Houdini-esque.

Ugly.

I think that's healthy, though.

So Garry is on facebook. He is listed as in a relationship with Catherine Reeser. One guess who that is. Yeah. The girl he told me I had 'nothing to worry about.' He told me that she was 'skinny like a boy and had a unibrow.' The kicker is that his anniversary is in OCTOBER!!!! October!

I didn't think it was possible to hate someone as much as I hate him right now. I keep having nightmares of his face. I wake up crying. I go to sleep crying. Hell, I'm crying now.

Call me naive. I thought he was a good guy. I thought he loved me. I really believed that we were going to get married, we were going to be a family. I gave up SO MUCH for him.

And, again, I have to label him as a coward. I mean... since October?! I gave him so many opportunities to tell me what was going on. I asked him if he was seeing someone else. ALWAYS the answer was no. No. No. Stop being paranoid. You're being insecure.

He made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

And let me tell you something. There is NOTHING wrong with me. I'm gorgeous. Smart. Funny. Kind. Compassionate. GORGEOUS. There is nothing ugly about me, inside or out.

I feel like need to get this out of my system, once and for all.

YOU are ugly, Garry Neill. YOU are the ugly one. Your face is ugly, you're sleeping with ugly. Your mind is ugly. And your lying, cheating, black heart is UGLY!

And every day I'm told that I'm loved, and beautiful, and worthwhile. Everyday someone tells me I'm too good for you. And they're right.

And my most favorite of all...

On Lighting a Cigar

we ask for no mercy and no
miracles,
(If only there were fewer flies around
as we pondered our imbecilities and losses!)

I light a cigar, lean back
remember
dead friends dead days dead loves;
so much has gone by for most of us,
even the young, especially the young
for they have lost the beginning and have
the rest of the way to go
but isn't it strange, all I can think of now are
cucumbers, oranges, junkyards, the
old Lincoln Heights jail and
the lost loves that went so hard
and almost brought us to the edge,
the faces now without features,
the love beds forgotten.

the mind is kind: it retains the
important things:
cucumbers
oranges
junkyards
jails.

I have killed a fly
that tiny piece of life
dead like dead love.

there used to be over 100 of us in that big room
in that jail
I was in there many
times.
you slept on the floor
men stepped on your face on the way to piss.
Always a shortage of cigarettes.
names called out during the night
(the few lucky ones were bailed out)
never you.

we ask for no mercy or miracles
and we ask for none
now;
we paid our way, laugh if you will,
we walked to only paths there were to walk.
and when love came to us twice
and lied to us twice
we decided to never love again
that was fair.
fair to us
fair to love itself.

we ask for no mercy or no
miracles;
we are strong enough to live
and to die and to
kill flies,

attend the boxing matches, go to the racetrack,
live on luck and skill,
get alone, and get alone often,
and if you can't sleep alone
be careful of the words you speak in your sleep;
and
ask for no mercy
no miracles;
and don't forget:

time is meant to be wasted,
love fails
and death is useless.

Bukowski makes me cry... and smile

Cause and Effect

the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them

____________________________________

How is your heart?

On the worst days
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment-
I wouldn't call it
happiness-
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade-
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror-
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

_________________________________

Consummation of Grief

I even hear the mountains
the way they laugh
up and down their blue sides
and down in the water
the fish cry
and the water
is their tears.
I listen to the water
on nights I drink away
and the sadness becomes so great
I hear it in my clock
it becomes knobs upon my dresser
it becomes paper on the floor
it becomes a shoehorn
a laundry ticket
it becomes
cigarette smoke
climbing a chapel of dark vines. . .
it matters little
very little love is not so bad
or very little life
what counts
is waiting on walls
I was born for this
I was born to hustle roses down the avenues of the dead.

___________________________________________________

As the Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

___________________________________________________

The Blackbird are Rough Today

lonely as a dry and used orchard
spread over the earth
for use and surrender.

shot down like an ex-pug selling
dailies on the corner.

taken by tears like
an aging chorus girl
who has gotten her last check.

a hanky is in order your lord your
worship.

the blackbirds are rough today
like
ingrown toenails
in an overnight
jail---
wine wine whine,
the blackbirds run around and
fly around
harping about
Spanish melodies and bones.

and everywhere is
nowhere---
the dream is as bad as
flapjacks and flat tires:

why do we go on
with our minds and
pockets full of
dust
like a bad boy just out of
school---
you tell
me,
you who were a hero in some
revolution
you who teach children
you who drink with calmness
you who own large homes
and walk in gardens
you who have killed a man and own a
beautiful wife
you tell me
why I am on fire like old dry
garbage.

we might surely have some interesting
correspondence.
it will keep the mailman busy.
and the butterflies and ants and bridges and
cemeteries
the rocket-makers and dogs and garage mechanics
will still go on a
while
until we run out of stamps
and/or
ideas.

don't be ashamed of
anything; I guess God meant it all
like
locks on
doors.

_______________________________________

Pull a String, A puppet moves

each man must realize
that it can all disappear very
quickly:
the cat, the woman, the job,
the front tire,
the bed, the walls, the
room; all our necessities
including love,
rest on foundations of sand -
and any given cause,
no matter how unrelated:
the death of a boy in Hong Kong
or a blizzard in Omaha ...
can serve as your undoing.
all your chinaware crashing to the
kitchen floor, your girl will enter
and you'll be standing, drunk,
in the center of it and she'll ask:
my god, what's the matter?
and you'll answer: I don't know,
I don't know ...

____________________________________

Best day so far!

I don't know if it's the cereal that has evened out Mia's digestive system or what... but today has been her best day so far!! She woke up Ah-gooing as usual. We came downstairs and played on the floor with our cousin, talking and laughing all the while. Then we switched to our bounce bounce. She started fussing a little bit and so I fed her and she fell asleep- took a 4 hour nap and woke up happy again... We played on the couch, read our baby einstein books, and even went for a walk outside! We went and visited the horses, and the kitty, and sat on the porch with Auntie and her cousins.

After we came inside she fell fast asleep sitting up in my lap.

But her language has been SO VOCAL today!!! We're getting Ah-goos, Ahhs, Guhs, Gohs, all sorts of sounds!!!

i can't believe it. My girl is growing up so fast!

Haha, I'm a space cadet... my appointment isn't Friday!! It's next Tuesday! Oh well.. the 5th is kind of like the 10th. While we're up there we're going to buy a rainforest swing we found on craigslist <3. Maybe we'll even be able to go shopping with Aunt Sammy!!! FUN!!!

Swagger to sleep

Mia was sitting on my lap as I checked my email, and we were dancing to Windows Media Player on shuffle. This of course produced an ecletic mix of music- From Alanis Morrisette to Johnny Cash to Wu Tang Clan and even M.I.A. and The Clash (props).

The most adorable thing happened next. One second she's content, bopping along with the momma. The next she is totally slumped over, fast asleep. Sooo cute!!!

She's having a better day today. Woke up telling the momma Ah-goo again and again.

Ah-goo is the new big thing. I love Ah-goo.

I've convinced myself Ah-goo is her trying to say I love you. I'm right, right?

Right?!?

Mia ate her first cereal last night! Megan had mixed some up for Kaylee- who made some of the most hilarious YUCK faces I've ever seen. She was not a fan. Since there was so much left, Mia and I decided to give it a go. (We're a sharing family. : ) ) She was a little puzzled at the texture at first. She wrinkled her brow and wiggled her tongue around in her mouth trying to figure out what that stuff was. After the first bite, she decided she loved it! I only allowed her to have 3 or 4 spoonfuls but each one was swallowed with little to none dribbling out of the mouth! Much like her Mommy- she has a talent for eating!

So I did something I told myself I wouldn't do last night. After Mia ate her cereal, I texted Garry to tell him about it and tell him Happy Birthday.

At around 1 a.m. (probably the next available time he could text me back without her seeing) I heard back from him. He said he was excited for Mia and that he was going to Texas for a week and when he got back he'd like to see her.

It may sound catty- but I told him this morning that he knows where she lives and to let me know when he was driving down.

I don't feel like its my responsibility to drag Mia out on an hour and a half trip to come see him. Firstly, she doesn't like car rides. Secondly- there is NO way I'm coming to his work, which is where he has asked me to bring her in the past. It is in everyone's best interest that I am never in close proximity to that girl. I've been trying very hard to remain civil and calm for Mia's sake. I doubt I'll be able to if I have to see them together.

I'm going to go bike a few miles downstairs and get rid of some of this negative energy. BWAAAH!

Gas- Mia's arch nemesis

Today has been a rotten, rotten day for Miss Mia. Apparently I ate something I shouldn't have because she has been either sleeping or crying most of the day. It just breaks my heart because theres nothing I can do to help her- we've taken a bath together, done our leg exercises, gotten a tummy/back massage, bounced, rocked, swayed, sashayed. The one thing that does help is breastfeeding her. But although it calms her down, I feel like I'm feeding her the very same poison that's causing her to feel so awful.

No one said breastfeeding wouuld be easy! Days like today make me want to quit. I'm going to hold out as long as I possibly can! Tomorrow is another day! For now it's bread and broth for me!

Baby Mania

I got in trouble today. I forgot to take my medication and i was bouncing all over Martin's 'creating jobs.' Speaking far too quickly and not making alot of sense.

But it was a busy day!!

Megan and I went down to Once Upon a Child to sell some old baby clothes. (It seems silly to label them as 'old' when Mia herself is only 2 and 1/2 months.) They weren't accepting alot of them, mostly because their stock of newborn clothes is waaay too full. So many of them are destined for our garage sale in the spring. That is perfectly okay with me, especially since we will have many more things by that time. I'm hoping Tara will want to add to our sale. That way we'll have a multi family/multi gender baby sale.

After OUAC we headed to Babies 'R' Us for some light window shopping. Mia can't wait until Mommy gets her tax check back so she can buy some new beautiful summertime outfits. She's also just about due for a baby swing.

Mia was being extra adorable this afternoon while we shopped. She's started making Goo noises and smiling at the Momma ALL the time. I was singing every song I could think of to her-- her favorites are "Down by the Bay," "The Ants Go Marching," and Sublime's What I Got. Strange as it sounds, Mia's favorite CD to listen to in the car is Lady Gaga. Atta Girl.

My goals this weekend are as follows:

Sort and label clothes for impending garage sale

Put up Mia's name blocks Aunt Aubrie got her in her room

Also put up Mia's 1 month picture frames

Be beautiful, positive, and full of life

It may not seem like much- but those of you who have cared for a 10 week old know- just managing to eat and shower on a regular basis is a feat.

**********************************After Dinner********************************

Ugh. Good moods gone. I don't mind the mania while it lasts but man, do I feel awful now.

My head is pounding, I'm in a foul mood, and I'm one broken nail away from bursting into tears. This is my least favorite part.

Ugh, what am I going to do??? Eventually I will have to speak to Garry. Eventually I'll have to see him. I just want to pretend nothing's going on, that my heart isn't broken, that I'm not raging mad at him.

-I keep having nightmares again. Some of them are pretty simple- He's standing in front of me in a white room filled with the furniture from my parent's house. I start screaming at the top of my lungs, throwing things at him. I break vases, chairs, tear apart the couches- until my lungs are burning and my arms and hands are bleeding.

At least that dream is kind of satisfying, in a self indulgent, irrational kind of way.

The other dream is a little scarier. I wake up in my bed and rush to Mia's bassinet. She's blue and cold. Dead. I scream and wake up. Only I'm not awake... and the same thing happens again and again and again until morning.

Those are only on bad nights. I hope tonight isn't one of those nights.

Taxes are filed. I hope hope hope my return arrives before Friday.

I need a mood booster. Or something to distract me from this horrible sadness I'm feeling right now. I'm missing something (or someone) horribly. I don't think I want to know exactly what it is.

i HATE feeling like this.

I want to trade the happy crazy I was earlier today.

I need someone to shake me- tell me to stop being so melodramatic. I need to snap out of this.

Can you believe garry hasn't so much as texted me since I found him out??? Nevermind that I could use an explanation, an admission of guilt- SOMETHING!!! But he hasn't even inquired about his daughter. He doesn't deserve us.

******************Next morning***********************************
I'm feeling better. Much better. Still debating whether to actually post.

Today is Garry's birthday. Kind of. He was born February 29th. The idea of him out, enjoying his birthday- going out to the bars with her- All of our friends celebrating with the two of them... it makes me nauseas

Spit (up) happens

All hail the vomit queen! LOL! Mia definitely takes the cake with that one. It's a very good thing her mom has a strong stomach! But so far today, she's doing well, aside from a little gassiness (probably caused by the pizza I had yesterday! Bad Mommy!) Yesterday was loads of fun getting our hair done. We went to Megan's girl Jackie in Goshen and she did a remarkable job. I'll post pictures soon.

I can't wait for this silly snow to clear off!!! I want to take my lovely to the zoo and for walks in the park and (of course) camping!!! She wants to learn how to ride.

I got some sad news from Chad and Tammy today. Thoughts and prayers are with them.

I'm traveling to Kalamazoo in one week to see my psychiatrist. Dr. Smith has been tremendously helpful, especially in the last couple of months. I'm looking forward to getting on with this life of mine and she's helping me do it. During my pregnancy, she tentatively diagnosed me with Borderline personality disorder. I've been doing lots and lots of research into the disorder and while I feel that I meet many of the criteria- I want to disagree with her.

With 75% of people diagnosed being female there's alot of doubters who attribute the intense emotional responses of those afflicted to the "typical, weak, moody woman" of past stigmas.

However, the last time I was in, Dr. Smith, the med student she was working with, and her attending agreed that I have alot to be emotional about these days.

On that note- still nothing from Garry. It appears that he's decided that it would be easier to just pretend Mia and I don't exist- rather than own up to the fact that he's a complete waste of space and a sorry excuse for a person. ( I mean , really! Who cheats on their pregnant girlfriend (fiance)??? )

Oh well. The child support paperwork is submitted and that's all I want from him.

I'm looking into signing up for CNA and Home Health Aid courses this summer- and then finishing my degree in Sociology starting in the fall.

But for now, Mia's awake! So we're headed home! Love!

Baby snail mouth

The little snail mouth is fast asleep. It's nearly time to go be a dairy cow and get ready for Megan and I's hair appointment this afternoon. It'll feel nice to be blonde again. I need to feel pretty these days. I mean... even on a bad day O.S. aint got anything on me, but next time I'm in the zoo, I have a shopping date- which will invariably mean the mall, which will put me in seeing range of Mr. worthless. I'd like to be droolworthy, thank you very much.

Look, but don't touch. That ship has sailed. Plus I will be having a lunch date with the handsome and always charming Nickolas. Not boyfriend material, mind you, but always good for flattery and laughter.

I'll try to post pictures. Just prepare yourself. I'll be unbearably beautiful.

Jumperoo!

Today is Mia's first time sitting in her jumperoo. She has the saucer-type bounce bounce that spins 360 degrees. She had an absolute blast! It's incredible how quickly she's growing up. Right now she's sitting in her bouncer Aunt Leann and Grandma Wagley got for her, talking to the ladybug hanging down. Tenor is sniffing her feet. We're just getting over a little bout of colic... brought on by Mommy's neglectful eating habits. Chili is not a good idea. (But then again, neither is milk, coffee, chocolate, sugar, broccoli, spinach, hummus, babaganoush, sausage, or anything else delicious. : ) )

Despite the disappointments I've faced in the past... well... in my life...
especially the goings on with Garry, I couldn't be more pleased with my lot in life. Going into this whole baby thing, I was excited to start my life with the man I loved, excited to have babies with him, become a family and experience all that it entails. When I found out about... we'll just call her O.S. (Olga's skank) for short, I was devastated. I felt (and continue to feel) so betrayed, humiliated, and furious. I thought that Garry and her had ruined my happily ever after. But every day I get to spend with this angel makes me feel bad for him. I get to wake up with her every morning. When she cries, it's me she wants. She went from 7 lbs 1.4 ounces at birth to her happy and healthy 10.5 lb self today. As my mother told me, as a breastfeeding mommy- that was all me. Her thriving and growing physically and emotionally is me. I'm her everything. And even if I'm not that for Garry, he's the one missing out. I'm a catch. And Mia... she's a miracle. When I love someone, as I loved him, I give them my all. It's how I was raised, the life I was exposed to. When you love someone, it's unconditional. He didn't get that. He got a father buying him things in between drug binges. He got that same father leaving for good when he was 7. He got year after year of his mother jumping from man to man- using them until she finally left them. He knows nothing of the awesome strength a true commitment can offer.

And I pity him.

Even though we're not together, and Mia doesn't have her father in her life, I'm going to find someone who can give me that 'forever' type of love that I deserve.

And he'll end up alone.

And this precious little cupcake gives me her smiles everyday, plays with me, sleeps beside me, LOVES me.

I'm so lucky.